Jesus Christ why is this retarded, asinine bitch of a holiday still here? That is not a rhetorical question; if Jesus Christ has given any of you the answer, for the love of god pass it on. I want everybody** to ask themselves "why do we have a holiday for this pompous ass-licker?" It's because he "discovered" America, right? Leading the way for us to become the greatest country in the world? One nation under god? The best that the dominant white race has to offer? Fuck that shit – Chris Columbus was a greedy, bigoted, religiously-dogmatic pygmy goat-raping torturous murderer ready and willing to do anything he could to get another buck (or whatever the hell they used for currency back then; I'm too lazy and pissed off at the moment to look it up). Let's look a little bit closer at what this heroic raper of ibexes did to deserve his own national holiday…
First of all, the great legend has him sailing from Spain to America in 1492. Wrong. His first voyage across the ocean took place in 1492, but he did not land in the United States of America as we know it, NOR was he even looking for it! He was looking for a quick and easy way to the West Indies so he could set up a trade route for spices, thus trumping Portugal. And guess what he demanded as a fee for performing this service for Spain (what, you think he did it out the goodness of his black heart?). His contract read as such:
He would:
- be given the rank of Admiral of the Ocean Sea (Atlantic Ocean).
- be appointed Viceroy and Governor of all the new lands.
- have the right to nominate three persons, from whom the sovereigns would choose one, for any office in the new lands.
- be entitled to 10 percent of all the revenues from the new lands in perpetuity; this part was denied to him in the contract, although it was one of his demands.
- have the option of buying one-eighth interest in any commercial venture with the new lands and receive one-eighth of the profits.
How's that for humility?
But, as fate would have it, instead of navigating around the globe as he intended, he bumped into the Bahamas. Not a bad place for a vacation these days, but in those days it just happened to be inhabited by natives. Natives who no longer exist thanks to that Don Juan of the Nigerian Dwarf, but I'll get to that in a minute. Much went on, which I will not delve into here, but ultimately he didn't even reach the mainland until 1498. If you want to read the history of his great voyages, I would encourage you to do so here, but I won't waste time by copying it all down in this blog. In lieu of complete documentation, I simply will put the following:
SHIT HAPPENED
He sailed back and forth a few times, kidnapped a few thousand natives to sell into slavery in Spain, but ultimately began to run low on cash to fund his exciting adventures. So, he did what the rest of us do when we want to vacation in the Bahamas: he put into place on Haiti a clear, fair system that required every native above 14 years of age to bring him a certain quota of gold, the amount of which determined by a token that he forced all of them to wear around their necks. Should these gold-bearing servants of his fail to bring the full amount, he simply chopped their hands off. HE CHOPPED...THEIR FUCKING...HANDS OFF!!! Are you enraged yet that this molester of Black Bengals has his own national fucking holiday?? You damn well better be!!
If, for some perverse reason you were too busy fucking a Tahr to have read that correctly and you're still not red in the face (aside for the color derived from your vigorously amorous bestial encounter), here are two more little tidbits of Senior Columbus' sense of humor:
- He ordered a man who was caught stealing corn to have his nose and ears cut off and auctioned off as a slave.
- A woman who suggested Columbus was of lowly birth was punished by Columbus' brother Bartolomé: she was stripped naked and paraded around the colony on a mule. When Bartolomé had her tongue cut out, Columbus congratulated him for defending the family's honor.
Fuck I'm pissed.
**WHAT THE FUCK??! Microsoft Word just tried to change "themselves" to himself or herself!!! Does my writing sound like it's supposed to be politically correct you Down syndrome genome of a program?? What's that? You can't tell the tone of my writing because you suck at life? Then don't try to correct the tone of my shit!!
2 comments:
Hey, I love all your rants, but I gotta getcha because I know you'll appreciate it. So you missed a word. I know its not a big deal, but yeah its there (or not as the case may be). Your sentence should read, "Native who no longer exist..." I still love you buddy and look forward to the next rant.
It is possible to rant at length about Columbus and his violent ways, but, the author of this blog does so without reference to historical context, without reference to Columbus' own writings, and without considering the fact that at least Columbus considered the people of the New World to be human beings. This was certainly better than Cortez or some of the other colonizers who decided, rather, that the indians of the new world were without souls and could thus be used as animals. The author os this blog seems to believe that Columbus day is about Columbus. Rather, it is a day celebrating the new world in general, and the fact that from its meager beginnings, the continents of North and South America have become major factors world politics. Does he assume that had some happy Calvanist arrived on the continent first that things would have been better for the indians? Does he assume that there was any world navigator who didn't explore because of the promise of great riches? Perhaps he doesn't remember that Manhattan was bought for pennies, and that in the following centuries, those natives were destroyed. This rant is an attempt at intellectual depth and compassion that simply fails in the face of historical context. Perhaps the enlightened moderner would not enter a land, take over its cities, and enslave its people, but then again, it seems to me that this process is really what globalization is all about. So, its still happening, and we think its a great thing when people like Gates et al give huge amounts of money to AIDS research pojects and the like. At least Columbus never tried to use his money to assuage his guilty conscience.
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