warning**boy with issues ahead

Alright here's the deal: this is not a rant (sorry (not really)). Well, it's not a rant on any sort of current event / political shitstorm / repugnant historical figure / lecherous travel shenanigans that you may or may not have become accustomed to. Rather this is a rant (kind of) on the frustration I'm experiencing in my personal life. You are welcome to read on, but be forewarned that you may learn more about me than you're comfortable knowing. Trust me…nobody can know too much about me without experiencing the frustration I feel daily. Read on at your peril…


I'm fed up with myself. It's not that I'm mad or upset with anything I'm doing; more that I'm just tired--worn out--at having to work so damn hard every day just to stay normal. And I still manage to fail miserably!

So here's the deal: I have AD/HD Type I, or Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder of the Inattentive Type. That means a number of things for me. To rattle some of them off in no particular order…I have a very poor memory, it's painfully difficult for me to focus on any one thing for any period of time, I randomly don't know how to deal with social situations, I have an erratic train of thought, I procrastinate, I have great difficulty finishing what I start, etc. etc. etc. In addition to AD/HD, I'm also partially dyslexic and slightly afflicted with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Fun mix, huh? The implications of those include difficulties reading, difficulties with stupid little simple things like dialing a phone correctly, and problems fixating on patterns for no particular reason. It's annoying as fuck.

But while annoying, so far it really doesn't seem all that bad. This is where it gets fun though; this is where I get to tell you how this particular mix of weird-ass problems mixes and affects my day-to-day life…

**Incidentally, we're talking personal life here, not work life. The problems presented to me at work are of an entirely different nature, and not what I want to get in to here.**

Essentially, what are affected more than anything else are the relationships--past, current and potential--that I have in and around me all the time. I don't know how to handle them! That may seem somewhat idiotic to most people reading this, but please let me at least try to explain (though I don't expect to do it very successfully).

When I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm confident, happy, talkative, energetic, engaging, smiley, funny, blah blah blah. But I'm not always fine…on a fairly regular basis I, for whatever reason, suddenly don't know how to be around people. I feel awkward, out of place, and I don't know how to talk to anyone. If I try to talk to someone it's just painfully obvious that I don't know what I'm doing. I come across as an awkward middle-schooler, which makes me and anyone I'm around visibly uncomfortable. So I just stop talking to people. Essentially, I go into hiding. I shut myself in my room, go for a long walk, or do any number of other things that allow me to isolate myself. There are two major problems with this tactic:

1. I never know when I'm going to suddenly feel like this. It's impossible to predict, which makes planning social outings infuriating! All too often I make plans to get together with friends somewhere and, after getting there, suddenly go silent. If I try to explain myself I succeed only in making everyone uncomfortable, so I don't. Consequently, people think I'm pissed or upset with them. There's just no comfortable way out of it other than just not making plans.
2. I need to interact with people. Whether I want to or not, I at least have to go to my job, which includes meeting and dealing with a lot of people. I don't have the time or the patience for this kind of shit coming and going! But unfortunately, it's not exactly something that's going to go away.

There is one solution so far: medication. Since 2004 I've taken Adderall on a daily basis. Let me tell you, this shit works wonders! I become focused, intent on my job, I can read books (without it I just read and re-read sentences without understanding what's being said), my memory gets better, I can stay on track…all sorts of wonderful things! Plus it's an upper, meaning that it makes me feel happy! So what could be better??

Being me. That's what. For about two months now I've been off of the medication for a number of reasons. At first it was because my doctor moved out of town and to get a new prescription I had to meet with a new one…something that I just kept putting off. After awhile though, I began noticing something: certain personality traits about which I had long forgotten had begun to return. Quirks I used to be quite fond of, like my ability to write creatively (this self-righteous ramble aside), my ability to not care about what people thought of me, and just my general quirky demeanor that I used to be known for. I had gotten so caught up in the novelty of being able to focus for the first time in my life that I hadn't noticed myself becoming a quiet, appropriate, complacent businessman. That's one of the last things I ever wanted to be, and still is!

So what the hell do I do now? Do I really have to trade off between being productive and being myself? That's not fair, of course, but life rarely seems to be anymore. And if I choose myself, how do I deal with other people successfully? I almost feel as if it's not fair for me to try to make friends anymore because my personality is so damned erratic and unpredictable, I'd just end up pissing them off and ultimately being a bad friend. I don't want to be a bad friend.

Why is it that the only options fair to everyone else leave me by myself?