righteous porn cops

It's official: the War on Terror (© 2006 Bush Administration) is over – and WE WON!!!! Congratulations all around; we all helped bring this righteous crusade to its honorable, Christian outcome.

I know what you're thinking (I'm a magician, it's my job): but our troops are still in the Middle East! People are still blowing up! Osama bin Laden is still out there, probably on vacation in Pakistan, sipping mojitos and petting his pussy! I can't lie…you're absolutely right. But what you're missing is that I have declared victory, which means it's mine. Well, ours.

And what's the reason for this triumphant declaration over the Muslim world and all its haters? Well it's very simple: we have moved on and directed our resources elsewhere, indicating that we obviously don't need them anymore for those trivial issues of the past such as national security, foreign espionage, cyber-based attacks, deficit control, violent crime, not-so-violent crime, white collar crime, border control or protection of constitutional our rights. Good for us for letting go of such nonsense!

So where do our priorities lay now? According to our illustrious Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales, "one of the top priorities" of this age is to form – you ready for this – an all-new FBI ANTI-OBSCENITY SQUAD!!! Not a task force, coalition, committee or conference, but a fucking SQUAD!! And we're not talking about child porn or any of that nasty illegal shit either, we're talking about hot, kinky, hardcore sex made by and marketed to consenting adults. Apparently this administration feels it has every right to wage a fucking WAR on every fucking emotion that it disagrees with. First it was the War on Terror (© 2006 Bush Administration). Not terrorists or terrorism, both of which being totally valid things to fight, but the raw emotion of terror. "I pledge that the diverse (Christian) citizens of our great (Christian) nation will never have to feel terror again!!" – Mr. Bush, November 3, 2003*.

Next on the chopping block: lust! This brand-spankin' new squad – formed by a fucking memo – is responsible for gathering evidence against "manufacturers and purveyors" of pornography. The memo said the best odds of conviction come with pornography that "includes bestiality, urination, defecation, as well as sadistic and masochistic behavior." No word yet on the universe of other kinks that we all know and wank to. These Jesus-loving rat fuckers are ordering the FBfuckingI to fucking take Debby…not to Dallas, but to fucking jail! FUCK! What the fuck is wrong with these bran muffin munching moral maniacs?! What in our one true god's name makes them think they've got the right to decide that just because they find something icky they can sick our highest level of law enforcement on it?? Don't worry about our $8,490,600,820,374.85 (yes, that is 8.4 trillion dollars) deficit that you alone have created. Don't fret about the hundreds of thousands of homeless and hungry people living on our streets who don't even have access to the evil porn empire. Don't concern yourselves with matters such as violent crime and rape. Instead, why don't you just make it felony to masturbate and punish all those who question your authority by spankin' the monkey or slappin' the clam a bit with capital punishment? I think that's a bully idea, worthy of being directly overseen by the president of our theocracy - the most powerful wanker in the world!


*Not a real quote.