YEAH SCHULTZ!!

NOW THEY'RE PLAYING LINUS & LUCY - OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE PEANUTS THEME SONG!!!!!!

What a great day for music! How can one not smile with this stuff??

Oh Peanuts. Have I ever mentioned Charlie Brown is my personal hero? Cause he is.

ladies & gentlemen, rabbi vole on the bass!

Oh the Joy that is They Might Be Giants!!!

Here I sit, at a desk in a small office with people spying on my every move to ensure I'm not trying to "undermine" them, listening to same radio station as I do every day because the woman in our office is "distracted" if we play anything else, and what comes over the airwaves? Dr. Worm by They Might Be Giants! One of the most absurd, nonsensical, delightful pieces of brilliance ever to be sung by those wonderful dorks!

As soon as I heard the giddy fanfare that begins the song I couldn't help but break into a huge smile – because I love the song, but also because I could only imagine what was going through the heads of the others in the office. I won't even try to speculate. I'll just enjoy it. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Dr. Worm
They Might Be Giants

They call me Dr. Worm.
Good morning, how are you? I'm Dr. Worm.
I'm interested in things.
I'm not a real doctor,
But I am a real worm;
I am an actual worm.
I live like a worm.

I like to play the drums.
I think I'm getting good,
but I can handle criticism.
I'll show you what I know,
and you can tell me if you think I'm getting better on the drums.
I'll leave the front un-locked cause I can't
hear the doorbell.

When I get into it I can't tell if you are
watching me twirling the stick.
When I give the signal, my friend
Rabbi Vole will play the solo.

**Awesome Bass Solo!**

Some day somebody else besides me will
call me by my stage name, they will
call me Dr. Worm.
Good morning, how are you? I'm Dr. Worm.
I'm interested in things.
I'm not a real doctor,
but I am a real worm;
I am an actual worm.
I live like a worm.

I like to play the drums.
I think I'm getting good,
but I can handle criticism.
I'll show you what I know,
and you can tell me if you think I'm getting better on the drums.
I'm not a real doctor,
but they call me Dr. Worm.

Sigh. I definitely need more people around me who enjoy such silliness in life.

wine after a run is good for you, i swear

I REMEMBERED!!!

I brought up all that silliness because work is finally beginning to become completely ridiculous, and I wanted to explain why that's ok! Seriously though, work is becoming truly ridiculous. Tax fraud here, boss having my staff pick up stamps for his wife's Christmas cards there, then getting completely betrayed by the one person I thought was supporting me, which of course led to the boss calling me 7 times before I got to my phone to call him back, only to have him once again insult, belittle, and threaten me. All while claiming he's completely clean. Yeah. Honest people do that. Really.

But enough of that. I remembered while on my fanTAStic run! Hot damn I love running when it's like this! Total blizzard, horizontal snow, high winds, not a single person out ... except me. :) I'll admit, running through 4 inches of snow on top of solid ice isn't easy, and I was hurtin', but it's always oh so worth it! Then I came back (looking like a snowman since all the snow stuck to all of me), stretched for awhile (I can touch the tip of my right toe for the first time in my life!!!!), mapped my run out at mapmyrun.com while icing my knees, and now I'm raving. RAVING!

But I'm quickly mellowing out. I've opened a brand spankin new bottle of wine, I'm feelin pretty good, and I'm highly considering curling up under a blanket on the front porch, putting some mellow music on, and getting friendly with that hookah while cuddling with a pillow. Is my life sad? I'm gonna go ahead and say no

gotta remember to take those meds...

I'm not religious. I grew up religious - Episcopalian - and I feel fortunate for it as it contributed to the person I am now (what didn't?), but that affiliation ended long ago for reasons beside the point of this post, and as I'm attempting to teach myself to focus and remain on-topic in my writing, I'll save those reasons for another time.

So - as I was saying - I'm not religious, but I do believe in god. Or God. Or GOD (spoken forcefully by a baritone through one of those cool Zoom Tube toys, or whatever they were called). I'm gonna go with god, because capitalizing it indicates the name of a specific person or entity (or really any other proper noun, such as a cab company or a lake), and my definition of god - or rather the possibilities of god - is not nearly that precise.

To me, god can and could be any number of things: an all-encompassing presence throughout the known (and unknown) universe, an unnaturally-old-yet-somehow-still-attractive man of Burmese descent with a soothing voice and wispy white beard that contrasts in a very pleasing way with his darker brown skin sitting atop a mountain somewhere in south-central Asia (improbable), a powerful elderly man in endlessly flowing robes with an unlimited supply of lightning bolts and a wicked-bad temper (slightly more probable than the last), or something as small and completely insignificant to every living creature, everywhere - save one: the often vague, confusing, and quite possibly unknowable subconscious functions of our brains. My reason for offering a whole buffet of potential definitions of what god could be rather than what i believe god to be is, I've found, strangely incomprehensible to a lot of people despite being very simple: I don't know. And further, I don't think it's possible for me to know. That being the case, for me to choose one deity over all other potential deities would seem not only needlessly arbitrary, but entirely inconsequential. Maybe when I die I'll discover the truth ... maybe my heart simply will stop beating. Neither outcome affects (or at the very least should affect) the manner in which I live my life or what I do prior to my inevitable demise, so why spend my mental capacity speculating?

Now that I've cleared that up, on to the original intent of this post.

A long long time ago - circa 1994 - I asked god (see above) to give me what I would need to become the kind of person I desired to be, whatever that desire would turn into as I grew older. All I knew at the time was that character would include (among other things) strength - to know what was right, to do what was right, to know what I'd want, and to seek what I'd want. I didn't know how I would get these qualities, but I figured it couldn't hurt to ask.

It hurt to ask.

I came to the realization 6 or 7 years ago that I was getting exactly what I'd asked for. The problem is these qualities I'm seeking are not genetic. They aren't inherited by some and not others. They're acquired through experiences necessitating their use, and their acquisition is no guarantee. Joy. To acquire the strength to know what's right I have to experience a situation where there's wrong. To have the strength to do what's right I have to be the only one in the situation with the desire to fix it (as is my current situation at work). If I'm not then someone else will do it, which teaches me nothing.

The there's the whole bit about knowing and seeking what I want. Learning that bit sucks. It's coming along to be sure, but it still sucks. Especially when it comes to girls. They're crazy. And confusing. And scary. And at the moment there are two on my mind. Often. One lives in Chicago (though she's definitely not from Chicago), and while I'm totally infatuated with her because she's adorable and quirky and fun and nice and cute, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't really work out. Plus I'm pretty sure she's not into me, which at the very least makes things less confusing.

The other is far more complex - in my mind anyway. She does not live in Chicago, which would make it difficult to pursue her had I the guts to do such things. It's complex because I've felt very connected to this girl for a long time, despite not having spent a great deal of time with her. Strange. I have finally worked up the courage to talk to her on occasion though, so bonus there!

When did this become about girls? This wasn't supposed to be about girls. My mind is preoccupied with girls plenty on any given day. What was this about? Damnit. I can't remember anymore. I guess that means it's time to go type this up, stretch, and run 5 miles. If I hurry maybe I can get out there while it's still snowing! I do so love running in inclement weather!

what's a picture worth?

P6160022
Originally uploaded by normalityrelief

I'm enjoying this concept of blogging photos with stories attached! I may have to continue.

Unlike my last picture story though, this one isn't quite as pleasant. I was in a poor, poor mood at the time, as can be seen in my sulky expression. What a pouter!

inexplicable

UUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH.

Stated (loudly) in true Peanuts fashion: head tilted straight back nearly 45 degrees, mouth open to the size a grapefruit, tonsils (or tongue, never could figure out which) wiggling near the back of the throat. God bless Peanuts. Charlie Brown is my hero. Truly he is. Which is why this has been the desktop on my office computer for so long.

I am completely, utterly off today, and I do not know why. I've been running according to my schedule, and it's been going well. I logged 17.64 miles this week. I've been rockin' the Lake Shore trail, hardcore. I actually got nearly 7 hours of sleep last night, which is a bit more than I've been getting, but not so much as to significantly throw me off. I've been eating well, keeping in shape, etc. In other words, I am at a loss to explain my extraordinarily flighty brain functions today. I don't like that.

The only postulation I can formulate is that perhaps I've been too … inward facing? … as of late. I've been focused pretty heavily on training (as I don't really feel like injuring myself), working to keep my clean (so far so good!), and reading voraciously – on the bus to and from work, in my room, on the front porch, everywhere. At the moment I'm jumping around between 'The Black Swan' – a philosophy-based look at the practical sides and potential dangers of relying on predictions based upon the empirical data of inherently random events – 'Innovation Nation' – discussing how and why this country is slowly losing its place globally as the leader of innovation – and 3-4 Cato Institute reports on everything from current political language, the rise of doublespeak, a critical examination of the policies of No Child Left Behind, and a highly critical look at the Constitutional record of our current administration. I'm just not used to being able to read since I've been off Adderall for so long, and now that I can I wonder if I'm overdoing it. It seems silly, but my head is beginning to swim, and that's the only possible reason I can come up with.

I don't think I'm spending enough time talking to people anymore. I'm tempted to say I miss being close to people, but upon further examination I can't seem to define the designation of close. I have great friends here, and I get along with all of my roommates splendidly. The reason I went off Adderall last year was because I realized – only after mistakenly going off it – I was slowly withdrawing from people on a personal level, and I didn't like that at all. Is that happening again? I vowed I wouldn't let it, because this time I was aware of it. But for some reason I still feel like I am, and the strange thing is I have little evidence to back that up. Meaning now I'm suspecting it's all in my head. Hmmmmmmmm.

Now I'm pretty sure I'm rambling, so I'm going to stop. I think I just need to talk with friends more. Whether we have discussions about the country's current Constitutional policies, debates on the merits of attempting to predict seemingly random and highly influential events, or chats about ice cream, doesn't matter. I just need to increase my personal contact with the good people I already have in my life. There. Done. Yay me.

just perfect

Ok, I realize this was posted in May (and truthfully, that's when I read it for the first time), but I was talking to a friend about it yesterday and it inspired me to look it back up. I love it. I couldn't possibly express my own feelings any better.

Watch It, Mac!

pleasant memories

HPIM1712
Originally uploaded by normalityrelief

I was going through some of my Flickr photos from past times, and I came across this one. I haven't thought about this day in a long time, but its simplicity and gentle memory still makes me smile.

I need more memories like this. I need to make more memories like this

behind the iron-clad rhetoric

So I really don't have the time at the moment to rant in excess, but in the process of cleaning my desk I was going through the notes I took during some of last week's events, and I found one that I just had to share.

On Monday September 24th we had Congresswoman Jan Schakowsky speak at a luncheon. I will shamelessly admit that I had never heard of her, and really knew nothing about her. Long story short, she gave a fascinating talk, filled with the passion of conviction that I so long to see in today's policy-makers. She talked about a smattering of different issues over the course of her presentation, which was just short of an hour, but the topic that struck me more than the others was the war. She recently was appointed to the House Select Committee on Intelligence, meaning she's been privy to a much clearer picture of what's happening over there.

The public opinion for this war has steadily been declining in this country, and along with it the country's approval and patience. One of the primary reasons for this decline (among many) is the quickly-rising fear that we no longer are building a democracy, but reffing a civil war. This impression comes from the numerous reports of sectarian violence between Iraqis. It's an understandable concern, and our government knows that.

So naturally, we now are being told that this form of violence is dramatically decreasing, thus, we should quit worrying. Perfectly reasonable.

At least it would be ... if the data we were being fed wasn't cherry-picked and skewed to an absolutely ridiculous degree.

Every kind of data being tracked needs parameters, right? Right. And that's the sickening part: the parameters being laid down. Rep. Schakowsky discussed 4 such parameters in determining whether violence can be labeled as 'sectarian:'

1. Car bombs are not considered sectarian violence
2. Gunshots to the back of the head are included sectarian violence, but not to the front of the head
3. Sunni on Sunni violence is not considered sectarian violence
4. Shi‘ite on Shi‘ite violence is not considered sectarian violence

Does this come across as completely absurd to anyone else? The definition of sectarian violence is violence between two or more sects. So if two opposing religious sects (Sunni and Shi‘ite for example) attack each other using one of the most popular forms of violence - a car bomb - it's not sectarian violence. If one of them shoots another in the head, it depends on which side of the head in which the victim was shot to determine if it was, in fact, sectarian. And if they attack each other, regardless of which sect the other adheres to, it's not sectarian. Congratulations! We've all but wiped out the possibility of civil war without actually removing any of the violence or killing.

One other thing she mentioned saddened me just as greatly. The military PR machine has been cheering about how more and more of Baghdad's neighborhoods are safer, with violence ebbing significantly. Unfortunately, it's because in each neighborhood one sect has killed and/or driven out the other, creating a more segregated city than ever. We're basking in a victory that, in reality, is nothing more than the inevitable outcome of ethnic cleansing. And, as a tax-payer, I feel I'm a part of that victory.

Let me tell you, if that realization doesn't ruin your day, I don't know what will.

what do you say?

It's been a terribly long time since I've given myself the time simply to sit in a coffee shop and write. The last time I can recall is when I skipped class to sit in the Starbucks just one block away and write 'Sex, Violence, Children and Shit.' That feels like half a lifetime ago. I've had so many things running through my head during the last two weeks - social issues, government rants, inconsistencies within commonly-held ideologies I've noticed, societal hypocrisies, etc. - and now that I have the perfect opportunity to focus on one of them ... I can't get excited about a single one. Why is that?

I'm in Moonstruck Chocolatier - my preferred establishment for the acquisition of tasty coffee drinks from friendly people every morning on my way to work - sitting in a wonderfully overstuffed leather chair drinking a well-made latte. I have no plans for the rest of the day, and nowhere I have to be until Monday morning. Perfect conditions for the solidification of until-now amorphous ponderings and their subsequent transfer onto paper as somewhat firm stances and ideas. You can lead a horse to water I suppose, but you can't make it pontificate. That's how the expression goes, right?

My latte has grown cold.

And now I've been sitting here for a solid 10 minutes repeating 'my latte has grown cold' over and over again in my head.

I'm tired of doing what I do. I'm tired of working hard every day to advance the agendas and social standings of others, only to have everything I do publicly credited to the associates of those for whom I'm working, when in reality it's those very same associates who in fact complicate the work I do with their almost non-existent involvement. What am I gaining from this job? A paycheck of course, but I can get one of those anywhere. Experience in event management and directing a small staff, but I've come to the realization that the bulk of what this organization has to offer I've already learned and am now merely repeating again and again. A kickass title, but I've long since let go of being impressed by those - even my own.

The reasons for staying certainly are less than compelling, except for the last one: what else do I do? I don't have a college degree, so that rules out quite a few jobs that would seem to be logical next steps to this one. I need to be challenged to stay engaged. I need to be improving something to stay interested. When I'm disengaged and disinterested, my brain seems to grow lethargic. Ideas become few and far in between. I can keep the energy and discipline to keep active for as long as I want, but activity without purpose is just as frustrating as drive without energy is disheartening. In the end both amount to nothing meaningful getting accomplished, and I can't be happy with that outcome. So what do I do?

what makes guns more important than privacy?

Politics, to state the obvious, is full of contradictions and hypocrisy. Everyone knows that, I know, but I've begun thinking today about one hypocrisy in particular that irks me more than most ... which is saying something!


We as a country are being told (almost entirely by the neocons) that in order to fight the war on terrorism effectively, we must be willing to give up some of our precious freedoms, such as our freedom of privacy and freedom to be safe from unwarranted searches and seizures. We are being told that giving these up is absolutely essential to making our country safer and more secure.
Give up a few of your rights, and you can walk down the street feeling confident that you will not be attacked by a terrorist.

That's peachy, but my concern is this: most of the people who are saying these things are the very same people who are fighting AGAINST gun control legislation. There are kids getting shot in and around schools by other kids every day in this country, not to mention people using guns in violent crimes all the time. Enacting some form of gun control legislation surely would make it more difficult for a 14-year-old to get his/her hands on a Glock, and yet these people firmly refuse to give up that right in the name of safety and security. Plus, not everybody owns a gun (although an enormous amount does). I only bring that up because it indicates that gun laws don't apply to everyone, while the right to privacy does. That's not to say I think we should do away with freedoms that apply only to some citizens, but as long as we have a government willing to curb some of our freedoms, wouldn't it make sense to consider first the ones that don't apply to everyone?

I just don't understand how people can be willing to ask that we all give up freedoms such as privacy to make us safer and refuse to budge on freedoms such as the right of everyone to own a gun, when doing so would save lives on a daily basis.

Anybody got any thoughts?

omigod! you invest?? that's hot!!

Piss off, Neil Simon, theatre as we know it is changing. And when I found out about it, I was pretty well sickened. But then I started thinking about it ...

How bout I explain? I read in The Economist about a new trend that's emerging on New York's theatre scene: hardcore investing. I say hardcore only because I realize that the term 'investing' really can mean anything. For example, theatre in particular requires of great deal of time be invested. But that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about stereotypical investing: mutual funds, returns on investment, and enormous sums of green*.

In the past Wall Street and Broadway rarely, if ever, intersected (except, of course, where they actually intersect), and to so much as mention money while mingling with the artsy crowd would get you banned from the after-party. Why should money be a concern when we're talking art?

Well, while it doesn't necessarily have to be, we also are talking entertainment, and entertainment is big business. Did I say big business? I should've said staggering business. For example, everybody has seen (or at least is aware of) Legally Blonde, correct? What about Legally Blonde THE MUSICAL?!? Yes, that supremely-obnoxious, cotton candy pink-tinged moving picture - along with a dog so small it probably shouldn't exist - has moved on stage! But it doesn't stop merely by taking the story. This production seems essentially to be a live-action movie, complete with wealthy backers, product placements (including, but not limited to Red Bull, Pottery Barn, JetBlue airways, Magnum hair products, Tiffany jewels and UPS express delivery), and a roughly $13 million price tag. The only thing missing is the camera (they're still not allowed in the theater!).

Upon reading this I was outraged. How could they trivialize the fine institution that is the theatre like that? How could they commercially exploit the actors and actresses that have given their lives to this art?? How could they turn theatrical production into a gol-danged mutual fund??? My tender sensibilities were being greatly damaged by this disgrace!

I went to the bathroom and threw some water on my face. Surely this wasn't true. Was our culture truly caught in a downward spiral of capitalistic eccentricities, never again to see the expressions of true art? Well ... no. It's not. It is true that we live in a capitalistic society, and as such there always will be those people and entities willing to pump obscene amounts of money into anything that could pump obscene amounts back. To try to fight that would be to try to fight much of what we stand for. Suggesting that there are certain forms of art that cannot be exploited for money is very much akin to suggesting that there are certain things that cannot be joked about, which is absured!

While the theatre as we know it seems to be headed the way of motion pictures and music, that doesn't mean there will be no room left for individual artists to seek means of expression without being sponsored by a fortune 500 company (or 5). It only means they'll have to creatively adapt to the times, and considering some of the theatre junkies I know, that shouldn't be a problem.


*money

the delinquency that is creative writing

Main Entry: knee-jerk
Pronunciation: 'nE-"j&rk, -'j&rk
Function: adjective
: readily predictable : AUTOMATIC <knee-jerk reactions>;
also : reacting in a readily predictable way <knee-jerk liberals>

Just thought I'd get that definition out of the way before yelling about it a bit.

I am furious! No, that doesn't quite capture it. Incredulous? Closer. Those will do for the time being anyway.

There's a little town just north and a wee bit west of here called Cary. On a typical day I'd have great difficulty restraining myself from disparaging it due to its sexually ambiguous name. I mean really, why would one give an otherwise perfectly normal town a unisex human name? It just doesn't make sense to me. It's like calling a town Frankie, or Pat, or Bora (masculine in Turkish and feminine in Albanian). But I digress.

Cary was in the paper this morning. At Cary-Grove High School there's a straight-A, Chinese-American senior named Allen Lee. By all accounts an excellent student. Lee, like so many other high school students in this country, is in a creative writing class. For the latest assignment this class was given, the teacher (who has not been named) instructed the students to 'communicate ideas and emotions through writing.' Great. Sounds like the makings of a decent creative writing class assignment.

So Lee did his homework, brought it to class, and turned it in. Then, on his way home later, HE WAS ARRESTED!! Was this bastard dealing drugs out of his locker? Did this asshole beat up some poor kid from the nearby middle school? Did this moral degenerate hold up the local minority-owned convenience store with an assault rifle while reading the Qur'an and raping a 9-year-old Tibetan child (male or female)? Oh no. If only that were it. This son of a bitch emoted.

This emotional essay – while containing absolutely ZERO threats against anyone - apparently was still disturbing enough to cause the teacher to report it to a supervisor and the principal. Fine, that's what you do. But then they called the god-damned cops on this kid, who in turn CHARGED HIM with disorderly conduct, despite the fact that the essay was not published or posted for public viewing. How does that even work?? According to Cary Police Chief Ron Delelio, disorderly conduct can apply when someone's writings disturb an individual. When the fuck did it become illegal in this country to fucking disturb someone?? And in an essay that was assigned in a high school class??

I understand if this kid had been tossing threats around. When something like the massacre at Virginia Tech occurs, we can't help but try to ensure something similar doesn't happen in the future. That's normal. That's human. But lacking threats, it is so unbelievably inappropriate to involve the police and give this kid a record for writing a paper he was told to write. It's a knee-jerk reaction based on current events, and school officials owe their students more personal consideration than that.

I'm not suggesting that it should have been ignored. Certainly warning signs for a possibly dangerous mindset should be watched for. But are we so damn terrified of our kids that the possibility of just talking to them is out of the question? What about their parents? What ever became of the parent-teacher conference? There are so many other avenues that should have been taken before charging this kid with a crime, which is probably the most counter-productive of them all. We want our kids expressing themselves. We want them telling us what they're thinking and feeling. No, it's not always going to be pleasant, but it's better than kids bottling everying up, not letting us in until it's too late.

Now, because of this panicked response, future students will wonder what is acceptable to be creative about, and what will get them cuffed and booked after school. What a terrible thing to have to consider when working on an essay ...

When did we turn into a country where we arrest and charge high school students with crimes for writing emotionally-charged essays that their teachers find upsetting?

I would love to hear your comments if you have any thoughts you'd like to post. Especially from anybody working with kids or in schools.

what doesn't kill you ...

I had an interesting night. Come to think of it, I cannot actually recall a night … ever … where I experienced such levels of pure hatred and wantonly violent intentions.

I was chilling with a buddy of mine last night, over at his pad, when I get a text from Chris (my roommate and best friend of 11 years) at 10.29 saying nothing more than "What the FUCK is going on in our apartment?" Afterwards he called me up and informed me that one of our other roommates and her boyfriend (who has essentially been living with us without permission for a month or so now) had a friend over. Fine. They were apparently already quite drunk, and had been smoking it up in the dining room (fine and not fine), and evidently were pretty rowdy at that point. I got home not long after and naught had changed, so Chris and I just spent some time on the front porch, chatting.

Until we decided to head into the front room and watch a movie. That's when things got far more interesting. Due to aforementioned company's high levels of drunkenness (and quite possibly low levels of giving a shit), they were being pretty loud and obnoxious. So much so that we could hear them easily in the front room. Low and behold, they were discussing how deeply their (our roommate's and her boyfriend's) hatred for us ran. They talked about how much "they'd" like to move out, but how they were locked into the lease, but on the plus side Jay was getting free rent and utilities at our expense. They talked about how much they'd like to ruin our lives and make us pay for being such losers. They talked about how to best "destroy us."

A little bit of back-story. When this roommate moved in last September, she was as sweet as could be. She hung out with us, she chatted with us daily, we all cooked together, it was great. Then she met this guy (if that isn't cliché I don't know what is). Despite being nearly 30, this guy looks and acts like a 16-year-old wicked-mad goth kid. Pretty much at all times. Never in my life have I seen such an amazingly clear example of one person mentally poisoning another. Since then she's become confined to her room with him at all times. She's ceased to talk to us, look at us, or engage us in any way.

Back to the story. As if this didn't upset us enough, they continued to plow forward with their discussion. The boyfriend was proudly bragging about how – through living there – he had been able and continued to do so many things to us that "we didn't even know", and that if she (our roommate) would only give him permission he would "let himself loose" and "rage against" us. He would "reign down world war III upon" us. He would "destroy" us. As I said … pissed-off 16-year-old goth kid. This is of course in addition to all the other apparently terrible and disgusting things he's already been doing to us without our knowledge, such as peeing in every sink in the house with surprising regularity and lord knows what else. Obviously I don't trust any of the food in the house anymore, and this morning I took a few of my more prized (and pricey) possessions to the office for safekeeping. That was something else: he was constantly bragging about how soon he was going to wreak havoc upon us by destroying some of the things we care about more than anything. No idea what that could be, but it definitely will be interesting to see what impression he has of what we truly care about. After we went to bed they migrated to the front porch and proceeded to get louder, drunker, more obnoxious and more destructive. They were screaming into the night, cheering, yelling, and smashing beer bottle after beer bottle on the sidewalk out front. Chris went out once to request they be quiet. They didn't say anything for a few seconds, then the friend said "yeah, sure, no problem." Chris thanked them and went back to bed. As he was leaving he heard the friend quietly (and most likely in response to a glare from the boyfriend) say "what? At least I didn't kill him." They got louder, and I slept with my jacket against my door, just so I could know in the morning if anybody had entered my room. No one did. Even so, I only got an hour or so of sleep throughout the night.

I don't know what to do. I don't think there really is any answer that's going to work without giving us more problems before making it better. I'm perfectly happy letting her out of the lease and going to the expense of finding somebody else to sublet, but I honestly can't see either of them going willingly. As much as they obviously loathe us, to move out would take away his free ride and put them into a place not nearly as nice and most likely more expensive (we get a very good deal on our place). If they could even find a place, which undoubtedly would take some time. Moreover, that's a solution-oriented answer. I don't see them as being solution-oriented people. I see them as needing something to focus their hatred on, and I see them as, more than anything else, wanting to cause as much trouble and chaos as possible. They used the term "anarchy" far more than necessary.

I have no idea what to expect upon returning home. Honestly, I suspect that very little if anything will be out of order … if for no reason other than the fact that they were unbelievably drunk last night, and probably too hung-over today even to move, much less "reign down world war III upon" us. But hey, I've been surprised before. They certainly drink enough to have built up a healthy (or not) tolerance, and may just bypass the hangovers in lieu of "complete and utter anarchy." Told you they used it a lot.

And now I'm at work, completely exhausted and having gotten here 40 minutes early this morning just to get out of the house. I would be far less concerned about all of this if it were not for the fact that I long have suspected this guy to be very near the edge psychologically. In other words, I'm concerned there may be a possibility that he easily could become completely irrational and/or violent with little to no provocation. Of course, I could be wrong. He very likely could be a big, mean talker and little more. But how do I find out? Wait until he becomes violent with someone in the house – which may well never happen – all the while knowing he's probably peeing in all our food and doing god knows what else to us without our knowledge? I really would rather not.

Of course, it hasn't killed me yet …

back to the roots

That's it. It's over. It's all over. The great experiment of our (my) time has reached its completion. It's been a long, annoying road, but worth it I feel. Worth it to find out where I truly need to lie in my life. The days of Sexual Dave are at an end.

That's right, you heard me! I officially am reverting to the man (so to speak) I was back in the good ol' days. Oh yeah, that's right: Asexual Dave is back kiddos! Sexual Dave was nothing more than a misguided attempt to broaden my horizons. And now it has become a failed attempt. I am taking myself off the market and placing myself back outside the traditional definitions of gender.

So all of you throngs of thonged thetans who are desperately wanting me – you can just suck it! (Not in the sexual way.) In fact, to further dissuade you from my door, take this: