gotta remember to take those meds...

I'm not religious. I grew up religious - Episcopalian - and I feel fortunate for it as it contributed to the person I am now (what didn't?), but that affiliation ended long ago for reasons beside the point of this post, and as I'm attempting to teach myself to focus and remain on-topic in my writing, I'll save those reasons for another time.

So - as I was saying - I'm not religious, but I do believe in god. Or God. Or GOD (spoken forcefully by a baritone through one of those cool Zoom Tube toys, or whatever they were called). I'm gonna go with god, because capitalizing it indicates the name of a specific person or entity (or really any other proper noun, such as a cab company or a lake), and my definition of god - or rather the possibilities of god - is not nearly that precise.

To me, god can and could be any number of things: an all-encompassing presence throughout the known (and unknown) universe, an unnaturally-old-yet-somehow-still-attractive man of Burmese descent with a soothing voice and wispy white beard that contrasts in a very pleasing way with his darker brown skin sitting atop a mountain somewhere in south-central Asia (improbable), a powerful elderly man in endlessly flowing robes with an unlimited supply of lightning bolts and a wicked-bad temper (slightly more probable than the last), or something as small and completely insignificant to every living creature, everywhere - save one: the often vague, confusing, and quite possibly unknowable subconscious functions of our brains. My reason for offering a whole buffet of potential definitions of what god could be rather than what i believe god to be is, I've found, strangely incomprehensible to a lot of people despite being very simple: I don't know. And further, I don't think it's possible for me to know. That being the case, for me to choose one deity over all other potential deities would seem not only needlessly arbitrary, but entirely inconsequential. Maybe when I die I'll discover the truth ... maybe my heart simply will stop beating. Neither outcome affects (or at the very least should affect) the manner in which I live my life or what I do prior to my inevitable demise, so why spend my mental capacity speculating?

Now that I've cleared that up, on to the original intent of this post.

A long long time ago - circa 1994 - I asked god (see above) to give me what I would need to become the kind of person I desired to be, whatever that desire would turn into as I grew older. All I knew at the time was that character would include (among other things) strength - to know what was right, to do what was right, to know what I'd want, and to seek what I'd want. I didn't know how I would get these qualities, but I figured it couldn't hurt to ask.

It hurt to ask.

I came to the realization 6 or 7 years ago that I was getting exactly what I'd asked for. The problem is these qualities I'm seeking are not genetic. They aren't inherited by some and not others. They're acquired through experiences necessitating their use, and their acquisition is no guarantee. Joy. To acquire the strength to know what's right I have to experience a situation where there's wrong. To have the strength to do what's right I have to be the only one in the situation with the desire to fix it (as is my current situation at work). If I'm not then someone else will do it, which teaches me nothing.

The there's the whole bit about knowing and seeking what I want. Learning that bit sucks. It's coming along to be sure, but it still sucks. Especially when it comes to girls. They're crazy. And confusing. And scary. And at the moment there are two on my mind. Often. One lives in Chicago (though she's definitely not from Chicago), and while I'm totally infatuated with her because she's adorable and quirky and fun and nice and cute, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't really work out. Plus I'm pretty sure she's not into me, which at the very least makes things less confusing.

The other is far more complex - in my mind anyway. She does not live in Chicago, which would make it difficult to pursue her had I the guts to do such things. It's complex because I've felt very connected to this girl for a long time, despite not having spent a great deal of time with her. Strange. I have finally worked up the courage to talk to her on occasion though, so bonus there!

When did this become about girls? This wasn't supposed to be about girls. My mind is preoccupied with girls plenty on any given day. What was this about? Damnit. I can't remember anymore. I guess that means it's time to go type this up, stretch, and run 5 miles. If I hurry maybe I can get out there while it's still snowing! I do so love running in inclement weather!