what do you say?

It's been a terribly long time since I've given myself the time simply to sit in a coffee shop and write. The last time I can recall is when I skipped class to sit in the Starbucks just one block away and write 'Sex, Violence, Children and Shit.' That feels like half a lifetime ago. I've had so many things running through my head during the last two weeks - social issues, government rants, inconsistencies within commonly-held ideologies I've noticed, societal hypocrisies, etc. - and now that I have the perfect opportunity to focus on one of them ... I can't get excited about a single one. Why is that?

I'm in Moonstruck Chocolatier - my preferred establishment for the acquisition of tasty coffee drinks from friendly people every morning on my way to work - sitting in a wonderfully overstuffed leather chair drinking a well-made latte. I have no plans for the rest of the day, and nowhere I have to be until Monday morning. Perfect conditions for the solidification of until-now amorphous ponderings and their subsequent transfer onto paper as somewhat firm stances and ideas. You can lead a horse to water I suppose, but you can't make it pontificate. That's how the expression goes, right?

My latte has grown cold.

And now I've been sitting here for a solid 10 minutes repeating 'my latte has grown cold' over and over again in my head.

I'm tired of doing what I do. I'm tired of working hard every day to advance the agendas and social standings of others, only to have everything I do publicly credited to the associates of those for whom I'm working, when in reality it's those very same associates who in fact complicate the work I do with their almost non-existent involvement. What am I gaining from this job? A paycheck of course, but I can get one of those anywhere. Experience in event management and directing a small staff, but I've come to the realization that the bulk of what this organization has to offer I've already learned and am now merely repeating again and again. A kickass title, but I've long since let go of being impressed by those - even my own.

The reasons for staying certainly are less than compelling, except for the last one: what else do I do? I don't have a college degree, so that rules out quite a few jobs that would seem to be logical next steps to this one. I need to be challenged to stay engaged. I need to be improving something to stay interested. When I'm disengaged and disinterested, my brain seems to grow lethargic. Ideas become few and far in between. I can keep the energy and discipline to keep active for as long as I want, but activity without purpose is just as frustrating as drive without energy is disheartening. In the end both amount to nothing meaningful getting accomplished, and I can't be happy with that outcome. So what do I do?