righteous porn cops

It's official: the War on Terror (© 2006 Bush Administration) is over – and WE WON!!!! Congratulations all around; we all helped bring this righteous crusade to its honorable, Christian outcome.

I know what you're thinking (I'm a magician, it's my job): but our troops are still in the Middle East! People are still blowing up! Osama bin Laden is still out there, probably on vacation in Pakistan, sipping mojitos and petting his pussy! I can't lie…you're absolutely right. But what you're missing is that I have declared victory, which means it's mine. Well, ours.

And what's the reason for this triumphant declaration over the Muslim world and all its haters? Well it's very simple: we have moved on and directed our resources elsewhere, indicating that we obviously don't need them anymore for those trivial issues of the past such as national security, foreign espionage, cyber-based attacks, deficit control, violent crime, not-so-violent crime, white collar crime, border control or protection of constitutional our rights. Good for us for letting go of such nonsense!

So where do our priorities lay now? According to our illustrious Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales, "one of the top priorities" of this age is to form – you ready for this – an all-new FBI ANTI-OBSCENITY SQUAD!!! Not a task force, coalition, committee or conference, but a fucking SQUAD!! And we're not talking about child porn or any of that nasty illegal shit either, we're talking about hot, kinky, hardcore sex made by and marketed to consenting adults. Apparently this administration feels it has every right to wage a fucking WAR on every fucking emotion that it disagrees with. First it was the War on Terror (© 2006 Bush Administration). Not terrorists or terrorism, both of which being totally valid things to fight, but the raw emotion of terror. "I pledge that the diverse (Christian) citizens of our great (Christian) nation will never have to feel terror again!!" – Mr. Bush, November 3, 2003*.

Next on the chopping block: lust! This brand-spankin' new squad – formed by a fucking memo – is responsible for gathering evidence against "manufacturers and purveyors" of pornography. The memo said the best odds of conviction come with pornography that "includes bestiality, urination, defecation, as well as sadistic and masochistic behavior." No word yet on the universe of other kinks that we all know and wank to. These Jesus-loving rat fuckers are ordering the FBfuckingI to fucking take Debby…not to Dallas, but to fucking jail! FUCK! What the fuck is wrong with these bran muffin munching moral maniacs?! What in our one true god's name makes them think they've got the right to decide that just because they find something icky they can sick our highest level of law enforcement on it?? Don't worry about our $8,490,600,820,374.85 (yes, that is 8.4 trillion dollars) deficit that you alone have created. Don't fret about the hundreds of thousands of homeless and hungry people living on our streets who don't even have access to the evil porn empire. Don't concern yourselves with matters such as violent crime and rape. Instead, why don't you just make it felony to masturbate and punish all those who question your authority by spankin' the monkey or slappin' the clam a bit with capital punishment? I think that's a bully idea, worthy of being directly overseen by the president of our theocracy - the most powerful wanker in the world!


*Not a real quote.

happy thoughts

I yell an awful lot, don’t I? I must come off as a severely unhappy person. Well tonight I am here to tell you that is just plain, unadulterated, good ol’ down-home horseshit...you bastards.

I’m a very happy person! Rapturous, if you will*. And I’m going to prove it, whether you sons-and-daughters-of-syphilitic-wombats like it or not. I have two crackerjack stories from today and last night that made me wonderfully happy, and they don’t have anything at all to do with politics, the constitution, or dumb people. How refreshing is that?

The first is from last night. It makes very little sense, but then very little does these days, so it possibly makes more sense than usual. If that makes sense. I was regaling Juna - my roommate - and her friend Kyoko with stories from the many strange hours I spent in Istanbul, Turkey this summer. Specifically, stories about the interior of the central building of the main bus terminal. It’s a good story, and hence a good read (if I may shamelessly promote myself), but the quick, unfulfilling version of it is there were tons of tiny shops crammed into this place that looked like Koopa-Land from the movie Super Mario Brothers, and every single one, without exception, sold either blue jeans, cameras, knives or guns. Many of them had a combination of the aforementioned products. Beats the hell out of me how they all managed to stay in business, but I already wrote on that.

ANYWAY, after I finished this part of the story, Juna suggested that I probably just didn’t know very much about guns, and that they all were probably very different and unique, but that one would have to "know" guns to see the various differences. She offered up the analogy of chocolate cakes. There is indeed the possibility that one could find an entire block FILLED with nothing but chocolate cake shops, all selling different and wonderful varieties of delicious chocolate cake, and they all would stay in business. Is that not the most marvelous analogy you have ever heard in your life?? How magnificent is it to take a story about numerous gun shops in Istanbul and relate it to a block chock full of chocolate cake shops? Can you IMAGINE the smell on that street??! I would want to be buried there so that I could be sure to smell heavenly things in the afterlife, wherever that may be (I’m shooting for Valhöll)!! I swear, that made me smile all night long.

And the second is from today, after work. I was walking to the bus stop, and I passed by this guy who always tries to shine my shoes for me. Because I polish my shoes at home (not to mention it would make me REALLY uncomfortable to have a homeless black guy shining my shoes on the street), I never let him. I’m always polite and laugh with him, and he always says he’ll get me one of these days (I assume he means he’ll get me to let him shine my shoes, not "get me" as in kill me), but I never let him. He recognizes me on sight now.

So today it was no different. I passed him going the opposite direction, and we had the same kind of exchange as has become usual. EXCEPT, today he noticed I had salt stains on my shoes. He put aside the loud, jovial bit he always seems to have on, and told me in all seriousness what to use to get rid of them. He didn’t ask for any money, he didn’t ask to do it for me...he just wanted to help me out. THAT’S IT!! He did me a favor because I needed to know how to clean them, and he asked nothing in return. Jesus Christ eating a ham on a fuckin' Friday I fuckin’ love motherfuckin’ people! That’s been partially responsible for the smile that’s been gracing my face all this evening.

Also partially responsible is that royal ass-whooping I gave to that 9-year-old girl earlier today. She totally was asking for it.

So you see, I’m generally a very happy fellow, so all of ya’ll that aren’t reading this and aren’t commenting on this that think I’m a sour potato...you can just fuck off!



*I wouldn’t.

the language of idiots

Let's talk current issues. But just for fun, let's talk about it in the way that everybody these days seems to prefer. You know, just to mix it up.

First up, let's just go for broke: the war in Iraq. Really there are two sides to this issue – those who are for justice, and those who are for innocent life. Personally, I'm for innocent life, but that may just be me. And that being the case, quite obviously I have an irresponsibly blatant disregard for justice. In other words, I'm an evil, crotchless-pantied Nazi son of a bitch. Of course, everyone who doesn't side with me is an unholy, child-murdering rape machine. I sure wish we all could just agree that human life is important along with international justice. Oh well. (You bastards.)

Are you getting where I'm going with this yet? No, probably not. I suppose it has been rather vague so far. Let me try to explain…I'm talking about ABORTION. Can you see the link? No, probably not. To be specific, I am not discussing the actual topic of abortion, rather the language used during discussion of the actual topic. This isn't an issue that gets to see the light of day real often…

Who can name the two factions involved in the abortion debacle? Anyone? Do I see a hand in the back? Or is everybody too damned scared of being lambasted if they say something wrong? Then allow me: (instructions: read slowly, drawing out every word) in the first corner, smoking the weed and wearing the yellow trucks and red silk bathrobe, we have the hippy PRO-CHOICERS!! In the opposite corner, reading the bible and wearing the beige trunks and off-white corduroy bathrobe, we have – the one true god's own chosen – the PRO-LIFERS!! Sound familiar? In this, the great debate of our time (please read that sarcastically), you have to be on one of these sides. Got it? Good. So…which are you?

As somebody very cleverly once said, we're all both pro-choice AND pro-life. When asked straight out, nobody is going to say they're against women having the choice of what to do with their own bodies, nor is anybody going to say they're just against life (I hope). So how can you have two opposing sides if neither one is really against the other? YOU CAN'T BITCHES, THAT'S HOW! These titles were created for one reason, and only one reason: to villainize anybody who has the gall to actually disagree with you. NOT to clearly define your stance, as it should be, but to indicate that if anybody is dumb enough to disagree with you, you obviously are either against freedom of choice or against life outright. WHEN THE FUCK DID WE DECIDE TO LET THESE IDIOTS MANIPULATE US??? It's abortion that is the subject of the debate! You are either for or against abortion, nothing else! Quit glossing it over just to make you sound better than the guy you is against. That's manipulative, shady, dodgy and ghetto. Plus I don't like it.

When debating an issue, just be straight and say what you mean. Don't say you're pro-choice, because everyone else is too. Don't say you're pro-life, because again, so are all of the rest of us. Just say you're pro- or anti-abortion. That's clear.

This god-damned media and this god-damned government are turning us all into god-damned politicians.

bloodsports

You know, I want to be angry about this, I really do. But when it comes right down to it I'm just not surprised. Politics is a rough game regardless of what state you're in, but in the great state of Illinois, it's a fucking dog-eat-dog bloodsport.

The amount of corruption in and around this state's government is utterly ridiculous. So much so that it's just downright fascinating! The sons of bitches get so damned creative it makes even me feel bad about myself! Check out these expenses that a state audit dug up…bear in mind that I AM paying for these rat bastards:

• $125,000
  Annual salary of Illinois Global Partnership CEO Thomas Miner -- more than at least three state agency directors who have larger budgets and work forces.
  
  
• $11,458
  Cost of a study to determine how much Illinois Global Partnership executives like Miner should be paid. Two other executives also had $100,000-plus salaries.
  
  
• $455
  Cost for a January dinner at Andy's Jazz Club in Chicago with state agriculture officials. Of that, $154 was spent on liquor.
  
  
• $2,300
  Cost of a no-bid computer-repair contract awarded to the son of Illinois Global Partnership Vice President Richard Paullin; almost half of that work was done from the son's home.
  
  
• $31,710, $17,760 or $18,292
  The cost of an Illinois Global Partnership trade mission last March to Saudi Arabia and Qatar; the agency's record keeping was so poor it couldn't say which amount represented the true cost.
  
  
• $20,000
  Amount described as an "advance" to the law firm of Illinois Global Partnership's general counsel. The October 2005 voucher was handwritten on a piece of notebook paper and did not state what specific services had been performed.
  
  
• $10.75
  The amount Paullin charged the state for mileage to see the Chicago Bears play the Cincinnati Bengals on Sept. 25, 2005, at Soldier Field.

-Source: Internal audit by Comptroller Dan Hynes' office

How do you like THAT shit?! These protestant offspring of whores are spending my ficken money to pay for their god-damned GAS on their way to a Bears game. WHO THE HELL STILL GOES TO BEARS GAMES????

I'm going to eat a cookie...

the inescapable discomforts of living free

Boy I love living in a free country! Don't you love living in a free country? Doesn't everyone love living in a free country? You'd think so, as would I, but we'd both of us be wrong! Damn wrong even!

There is a disturbing trend that's been growing and growing and growing, so much that it's grown to near epidemic levels. Tell me if this sounds familiar:

"Boy I love this country! We're the melting pot of the world, giving us such a wonderful mixture of cultures, preferences, foods, drinks, games, toys, personalities, shoes, styles and languages. More than anything, I love that I am free to be me, along with everybody else!"

Notice anything askew in that paragraph? No? Read it again, and pay more attention this time to the last sentence. I can wait...

We have reached a point in this country where the prevalent stance toward diversity is "everybody is free to be me." NOT themselves! The issue that's gotten me riled up this time round happens to be smoking. Look at the facts:

• inhaling smoke of any kind is toxic
• when not used to it, cigarette smoke smells disgusting
• smoking can adversely affect one's health
• smoking can be extremely irritating to non-smokers
• smoking is nasty
• smoking is legal
  

That's right…it's LEGAL people! I don't care how much you may hate it; the fact is that it is legal. Let me explain why this is getting my no-frills black boxer briefs from H&M in such a twist…

As a society, we have begun defining "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" as broadly as it ever has been defined. It used to mean that we are free to pursue what we wish, how we wish, provided of course that we aren't hurting or holding down anyone else. Great! That's how life should be! Do what you like, do what you love, just don't mess with anyone else's life! These days though, it's beginning to get more of a "you have no right to do anything that I don't like" sorta feel to it. What the fuck?? Where did this ideology come from?? People seem to think these days that if they don't like something, they have every right never to be exposed to it. "I don't like cigarette smoke, ergo, vis-à-vis, concordantly, you have no right to expose ME to it!!" To expose YOU?? Listen, I smoke occasionally. Not real often, but sometimes it just feels too damn good to pass up. Yeah, I will acknowledge that it's nasty, disgusting, and terrible for both my breath and my health. If you don't like it, DON'T STAND NEXT TO ME GOD DAMNIT!! It's a free country, which does NOT mean that you get to stand your ass comfortably anywhere you damn well feel like. It means that, if something is bothering you, you have every right to LEAVE. Living here does not mean that you get to have everything smell like motherfuckin' roses all the god damned time.

The entire idea behind a "free country" is to provide a society where everybody can feel free to live their lives as they wish. If somebody wants to destroy their body, that is their business, not yours. Yes, I understand that secondhand smoke is not healthy, but unless somebody is holding you down and blowing it in your face, shut up. In other words, as long as you have the ability to remove yourself from a situation that upsets you, there is no reason for you to bitch to me or anyone else. Of course, this requires that you let go of the pride that has been instilled within your blackened soul. This requires that you not think along the lines of "well why should I have to leave? Why don't YOU leave?" I will tell you why: because I am doing nothing illegal. If that means you can’t go to restaurants because they allow smoking and you can't stand to be near it, well it sucks to be you, but that's the way it is.

What's that? "It's not fair" you say? It's not up to me to say whether it is or is not fair – I won't presume to make a call like that – but who ever said life, or this country, is fair? There's a reason it doesn't read "life, liberty and the pursuit of fairness." Shit isn't fair, deal with it or move to a communist state where the ideal is for every person to receive the exact same fucking thing…no more, no less. That's fair.

But it's not free. If you truly want to live in a free country, there always will be haves and have-nots. There will be people with more, and people with less. Most importantly though, there will be so much shit that you cannot stand that it'll make your ears blue and your blood boil. And that's the tricky part about living as we live: learning to put up and deal with everything that we disagree with that we allow everyone to do, regardless of whether that disagreement be based on physical issues, ideological issues, child-rearing issues, or issues violating your own personal fundamental philosophies. I can't ever recall anybody warning us how hard it would be, but conversely nobody ever said that living free was easy either.

I love my country, I really do, but we Americans have to ditch this arrogant, indignant feeling of entitlement to be exposed only to what we want and are comfortable with, and nothing else. If we succeed in legislating preference, we are going to end up as one massive country of clones, and lose all of that wonderful (albeit sometimes infuriating) diversity that we cherish so dearly.

Freedom is uncomfortable...get used to it.