let's all help each other out

networking
function: verb
transitive senses
'net-"w&rk·ing

1. connecting with people of like interests for the purpose of uncovering opportunities, identifying landmines and learning of best practices.
   
   
   
2. the ability to tie more than one component together through protocols (e.g. TCP/IP)
3. granting unwarranted favors and offering congeniality in excess to those individuals one concludes to be better than everyone else based on what one can acquire from the individual in question

synonyms: ass kissing, sucking up, kiss assing, brownnosing, schmoozing, working the crowd, sucking at life, “teachers pet”ing

I fucking hate networking! Call it whatever the hell you want – sucking up, kissing ass, and anything else related to said execrations, I hate it! Holy sweet jesus turned black muslim. You know why my organization is nonpartisan? It's nonpartisan so that it can witness local affairs objectively and act, without bias, on any corruption it happens to uncover. Of course, that was when it was founded…over a hundred years ago. TODAY it's nonpartisan so that it can suck fat, hairy politician ass from any and every party affiliation it can find that’s willing to offer it money and/or prestige and/or favors and/or power and/or free shit and/or a lollipop.

Earlier today the president of our ragtag little group forwarded me a copy of an email he sent to one of our members. Because I’d rather not get my skinny ass fired, I’m changing the names of all individuals and companies. Our organization is now the “Urban Group of Des Moines.” Our president is now “Fred.” The organization of the guy to whom he’s writing is now “DHJ Construction.”

All he wrote to me was:

F.Y.I.

Thanks

Fred

This is an e-mail that he must have sent to some guy who must've asked him something about our Annual Dinner that's coming up. It's a big deal for us, costing $250 per person, $3,000 for a dinner sponsor (table of 10, 2 tickets to the honoree reception, and a listing on the program and our website), and $5,000 for a dinner host (preferred seating, table of 10, 5 tickets to the honoree reception, event signage, and a listing on the program and our website with their logo). It went a little something like this:

1. Thank you so much for your continued support of the Urban Group of Des Moines, Iowa’s premier public policy forum.

2. When DHJ Construction purchases a table at our Annual Dinner, the value of the tickets at that table are for DHJ employees only.

3. Any public servants in attendance are guests of the Urban Group of Des Moines.

4. The Urban Group of Des Moines merely sprinkles these public servants throughout the 500-person ballroom as a "thank you" for their contributions to the Urban Group of Des Moines.

5. No value of the tickets(s) is attributable to DHJ Construction as these public servants are guests of the Urban Group of Des Moines, the sponsor of the event.

Thank you.


Fuck I wish I was bulimic so I could make myself ralph right now. Maybe I'll just go sit on a fork.